I had never experienced nursing, yet I was drawn to it. My desire was drawn from a cliché of reasons: I wanted to care for others and do something selfless. But, I also wanted to do something that challenged me everyday. And every single day it does. The hardest thing about being a student nurse (for me, anyway) is the reality that you can’t save everyone. Somebody once said to me maybe it was the loss of a friend that ignited this desire in me to want to ‘save’ people. It’s a reality you comprehend before you start, but when you’re there and that is somebody’s mother, and that is somebody’s husband, it will test you profusely.
At times during my first year I struggled. In fact, more often than not I struggled, battling with an abundance of anxieties, a faltering indecisiveness about my ability to become a nurse. It was not quite what I expected it to be, but everything I thought it would be. The hours and workload did not bear weight on my irresolute thoughts of being a nurse. It was more the intangible pressures; it was not having control and routine, whilst having control and routine. It was the acceptance of help from others that encouraged me through the year. I have been overwhelmed by the supportive nature of many people I have met on my first year journey; the nurses willing to share all they know decorating you with an invaluable education, encouraging you to flourish. You will meet those who are compassion-fatigued and who feel bereft. But, you will meet many nurses who enjoy the kind of nursing I aspire to. Those who deliver holistic, person-centred care.
My first day on placement was a culture shock, a ‘heavy’ acute medical ward. There were charts, machines and an array of other things I had seen and understood so clearly in school that now seemed a blurry haze when surrounded by twenty un-well patients. Everything was safe in school. On my first day I experienced my first patient death and nothing could have prepared me for this. At 27 I have experienced losses; pets, elderly relatives and a close friend. When it is personal there is this denial that acts as a façade to what is happening and you don’t hear their body sigh. From a professional perspective it is different. The experience was heartbreaking in the instance of seeing an inconsolable spouse. Only experience itself can prepare you for consoling the bereaved. You can read endless books on communication and know the textbook response inside out, but each situation is different and human nature will guide you. Some people will feel completely uncomfortable in this situation, and that is okay too. But whatever your reaction it is important to be aware that this is not about you; it is about being there for someone else.
My first year has been tainted with unshakeable self-doubt, but I completed it. And when anxiety crept in I sat with the feelings knowing they would pass. That’s the thing. It is always easier to walk away than to sit with feelings that you think may eventually consume you and I could have walked away from nursing on many occasions when I was overwhelmed by anxiety. This has been one of the toughest experiences and there is an anxiousness that lingers in my mind filling me with feelings of inadequacy, and I question daily whether or not I am cut out to be a nurse. But, there is a this overwhelming sense of accomplishment that comes too; a satisfaction in helping others that I have never found in any other career, and it is this gratification that reminds me why this career is so important to me. Recently, I had a patient comment to me that simply seeing my smile filled her with relief and reassurance. It had allowed her to feel okay, even if it wasn’t going to be ok in the end. Knowing you’ve made a difference really does fill you with gratitude that you have been allowed this opportunity.
Enter nursing with your heart open; people will notice if you’re cold. Be ready to absorb a treasure of knowledge, school teaches you so much, but it is the experiences that will mould you into a nurse. Embrace experiences and recognise your attitude is what will help or hinder you. I battled with the concept that not every single person in your care will get better, but it is learning to understand and accept this. And, if on your first day at a new placement all you have the confidence to do is make a cup of tea for the gentleman in the corner, then do just that. It may just be exactly what he needs.
-Loola.
At times during my first year I struggled. In fact, more often than not I struggled, battling with an abundance of anxieties, a faltering indecisiveness about my ability to become a nurse. It was not quite what I expected it to be, but everything I thought it would be. The hours and workload did not bear weight on my irresolute thoughts of being a nurse. It was more the intangible pressures; it was not having control and routine, whilst having control and routine. It was the acceptance of help from others that encouraged me through the year. I have been overwhelmed by the supportive nature of many people I have met on my first year journey; the nurses willing to share all they know decorating you with an invaluable education, encouraging you to flourish. You will meet those who are compassion-fatigued and who feel bereft. But, you will meet many nurses who enjoy the kind of nursing I aspire to. Those who deliver holistic, person-centred care.
My first day on placement was a culture shock, a ‘heavy’ acute medical ward. There were charts, machines and an array of other things I had seen and understood so clearly in school that now seemed a blurry haze when surrounded by twenty un-well patients. Everything was safe in school. On my first day I experienced my first patient death and nothing could have prepared me for this. At 27 I have experienced losses; pets, elderly relatives and a close friend. When it is personal there is this denial that acts as a façade to what is happening and you don’t hear their body sigh. From a professional perspective it is different. The experience was heartbreaking in the instance of seeing an inconsolable spouse. Only experience itself can prepare you for consoling the bereaved. You can read endless books on communication and know the textbook response inside out, but each situation is different and human nature will guide you. Some people will feel completely uncomfortable in this situation, and that is okay too. But whatever your reaction it is important to be aware that this is not about you; it is about being there for someone else.
My first year has been tainted with unshakeable self-doubt, but I completed it. And when anxiety crept in I sat with the feelings knowing they would pass. That’s the thing. It is always easier to walk away than to sit with feelings that you think may eventually consume you and I could have walked away from nursing on many occasions when I was overwhelmed by anxiety. This has been one of the toughest experiences and there is an anxiousness that lingers in my mind filling me with feelings of inadequacy, and I question daily whether or not I am cut out to be a nurse. But, there is a this overwhelming sense of accomplishment that comes too; a satisfaction in helping others that I have never found in any other career, and it is this gratification that reminds me why this career is so important to me. Recently, I had a patient comment to me that simply seeing my smile filled her with relief and reassurance. It had allowed her to feel okay, even if it wasn’t going to be ok in the end. Knowing you’ve made a difference really does fill you with gratitude that you have been allowed this opportunity.
Enter nursing with your heart open; people will notice if you’re cold. Be ready to absorb a treasure of knowledge, school teaches you so much, but it is the experiences that will mould you into a nurse. Embrace experiences and recognise your attitude is what will help or hinder you. I battled with the concept that not every single person in your care will get better, but it is learning to understand and accept this. And, if on your first day at a new placement all you have the confidence to do is make a cup of tea for the gentleman in the corner, then do just that. It may just be exactly what he needs.
-Loola.