I had always been amazed by people who had this knowledge and ability to save other peoples lives. I thought it must be one of the greatest talents to have, and these people must feel so wealthy to have such knowledge. I never for a moment expected to be on a journey learning all this.
I had many reasons for wanting to be a nurse. Career prospects, job satisfaction, ability to contribute to other peoples lives in a positive way... Or maybe it was an attempt at rediscovering myself. Reinventing me. I know a lot of it was to do with having choice.
This is a complete 180 from what I've done before. I did a degree and fell into jobs but they've always lacked a certainty for me, there's never been that satisfaction- not to the extent I crave, just temporary highs. I had a good few years don't get me wrong, I did some really exciting stuff and I modelled, and I'm sure for many girls being made up and having your photo taken sounds ideal and many who do have likely had wonderful experiences so when I say this I speak only of my own experiences, but it can come with some devastating lows, it can be self esteem shattering and you start to see the world very differently, it feels cruel. Being judged for your appearance and told on a daily basis you're not enough because of the way you look. That kind of thing sticks with you, everyday. You have to be a tough, thick skinned soul. I am tough but I am not thick skinned. I retain every negative word spoken and written about me and can replay these on demand.
Anyway, I felt drawn to nursing maybe it was a genetic thing as my mum nursed. Nursing played on my mind for a couple of years but I needed to be certain. It was after a long and exhausting breakdown of a 6 year relationship followed by an inspiring holiday I decided to make the decision and apply. Whilst on holiday I took time to just be in a beautiful country. Time to think, evaluate and analyse. Time to realise what a half person I had become. I had spent two years making the decision and a year sorting my head out. What happened had been hard/ tough/ soul destroying/ the best thing to ever happen. This is not a place for me to air my dirty laundry, that's not fair or important - it's self pitying and absent minded - everyone has good and bad in their lives we have to deal with it. It is also not a time to empty my deepest darkest secrets; I am a private person and what I divulge is only said to explain my choices. The short of it is I had been in a very dark place, and I needed a route out. I need to change myself, be something new and challenge myself. I needed change. I'm indecisive at the best of times, but when my mind is dark I'm even worse, even the smallest decision of what colour pen to write with can send me to the point of insanity - I mean, just incase it's wrong.
But this felt fresh. I came home to the UK and I applied. Some people, those who loved me and knew me supported me. My best friend was my confidence, she made me believe I could do this. Her and her mum and my mum have been my tower of strength in this, all from nursing backgrounds. Those who didn't questioned me - why do I need change so badly? I'll tell you why: because my life made me unhappy. I was in a rut and this was the first time since 2009 I had felt encouraged and had the desire to try. I finally had the opportunity to do whatever I wanted to do with my life, I felt free.
I held out no hope of ever hearing back. Maybe because for the last 6 years my confidence had been ebbed away and because I had no relevant experience. But I knew I wanted this. I wanted it more than anything. I'd never felt the passion fire up in me for anything else before. I'd attended interviews, and shoots somewhat passively but this was different and maybe that's because this was meant to be. I'm a big believer in what will be will be.
So, I got an interview at my first choice university. I was surprised, even though I had spent ages wording and rewording my application out of the fear I sounded inarticulate and as though I lacked passion - because I really wanted this and I needed this to come across, I needed them to know I had researched this and I was serious and I knew the route to success I wanted to take.
My interview date came and I attended and for the first time I realised how big this was. At 18 I don't think I personally could have grasped the importance of this. I had been to one of the most prestigious art schools and the lecturers were passionate but here, at nursing school, not only were they passionate but they were protective of their careers. I never for one second expected to be accepted but I was.
Believe me - the cliche of reasons to apply to nursing school were all relevant to me: I wanted to help others and do something selfless. But I needed something to challenge me everyday, I needed to learn. I missed learning. And most of all I needed to be in an environment where how you look isn't the most important aspect. Also, not so long ago, as I mentioned in a previous post, someone pointed out to me maybe the loss of the first boy I ever cared for a few years ago had ignited a desire to try and 'save' people. Maybe this is true and maybe it's just something I don't want to think about. Or maybe it's not related at all. Whatever the reason, I felt this desire to be a nurse I felt drawn to it and like I wanted to give everything to it. It's hard though. It's tough. Toughest challenge I've ever opened myself up for. The workload, the pressures, the expectation. It's emotionally, physically and mentally demanding. It's learning so much your head spins (I have a fear of forgetting stuff so I probably spin more than most) but it's amazing to learn, to be educated and have wonderful knowledge shared with you that is going to help other people. And, it breaks you and it rebuilds you. I've already felt broken and stressed at times and I'm only a third of the way through, but the highs outweigh any doubt about doing this. The highs are never temporary but instead they stay with you. And what's important is that with the tough moments, when you despair, to remember that it is completely normal and you are only human and you do have feelings. This course has connected me with feelings. I had asserted within myself the ability to be almost robot like, not let people in past my walls so high and decorated with barbed wire, no one could be close enough to hurt me, nothing could or would make me cry and I did not feel attachment. This course has broken down my barriers, I needed it to.
Personally it is hard for me, being stripped bare of everything that was crucial to other jobs. But it's also refreshing and it's a relief. A lot is to do with your own mind in regard to that kind of stuff, and I'll struggle with that for always. But, this job and this training puts perspective on what is really important in life. I am becoming a better person because of it.
Learning to be a nurse is the most amazing thing I have ever decided to do, and I am thankful I have this opportunity.
-Loola.
I had many reasons for wanting to be a nurse. Career prospects, job satisfaction, ability to contribute to other peoples lives in a positive way... Or maybe it was an attempt at rediscovering myself. Reinventing me. I know a lot of it was to do with having choice.
This is a complete 180 from what I've done before. I did a degree and fell into jobs but they've always lacked a certainty for me, there's never been that satisfaction- not to the extent I crave, just temporary highs. I had a good few years don't get me wrong, I did some really exciting stuff and I modelled, and I'm sure for many girls being made up and having your photo taken sounds ideal and many who do have likely had wonderful experiences so when I say this I speak only of my own experiences, but it can come with some devastating lows, it can be self esteem shattering and you start to see the world very differently, it feels cruel. Being judged for your appearance and told on a daily basis you're not enough because of the way you look. That kind of thing sticks with you, everyday. You have to be a tough, thick skinned soul. I am tough but I am not thick skinned. I retain every negative word spoken and written about me and can replay these on demand.
Anyway, I felt drawn to nursing maybe it was a genetic thing as my mum nursed. Nursing played on my mind for a couple of years but I needed to be certain. It was after a long and exhausting breakdown of a 6 year relationship followed by an inspiring holiday I decided to make the decision and apply. Whilst on holiday I took time to just be in a beautiful country. Time to think, evaluate and analyse. Time to realise what a half person I had become. I had spent two years making the decision and a year sorting my head out. What happened had been hard/ tough/ soul destroying/ the best thing to ever happen. This is not a place for me to air my dirty laundry, that's not fair or important - it's self pitying and absent minded - everyone has good and bad in their lives we have to deal with it. It is also not a time to empty my deepest darkest secrets; I am a private person and what I divulge is only said to explain my choices. The short of it is I had been in a very dark place, and I needed a route out. I need to change myself, be something new and challenge myself. I needed change. I'm indecisive at the best of times, but when my mind is dark I'm even worse, even the smallest decision of what colour pen to write with can send me to the point of insanity - I mean, just incase it's wrong.
But this felt fresh. I came home to the UK and I applied. Some people, those who loved me and knew me supported me. My best friend was my confidence, she made me believe I could do this. Her and her mum and my mum have been my tower of strength in this, all from nursing backgrounds. Those who didn't questioned me - why do I need change so badly? I'll tell you why: because my life made me unhappy. I was in a rut and this was the first time since 2009 I had felt encouraged and had the desire to try. I finally had the opportunity to do whatever I wanted to do with my life, I felt free.
I held out no hope of ever hearing back. Maybe because for the last 6 years my confidence had been ebbed away and because I had no relevant experience. But I knew I wanted this. I wanted it more than anything. I'd never felt the passion fire up in me for anything else before. I'd attended interviews, and shoots somewhat passively but this was different and maybe that's because this was meant to be. I'm a big believer in what will be will be.
So, I got an interview at my first choice university. I was surprised, even though I had spent ages wording and rewording my application out of the fear I sounded inarticulate and as though I lacked passion - because I really wanted this and I needed this to come across, I needed them to know I had researched this and I was serious and I knew the route to success I wanted to take.
My interview date came and I attended and for the first time I realised how big this was. At 18 I don't think I personally could have grasped the importance of this. I had been to one of the most prestigious art schools and the lecturers were passionate but here, at nursing school, not only were they passionate but they were protective of their careers. I never for one second expected to be accepted but I was.
Believe me - the cliche of reasons to apply to nursing school were all relevant to me: I wanted to help others and do something selfless. But I needed something to challenge me everyday, I needed to learn. I missed learning. And most of all I needed to be in an environment where how you look isn't the most important aspect. Also, not so long ago, as I mentioned in a previous post, someone pointed out to me maybe the loss of the first boy I ever cared for a few years ago had ignited a desire to try and 'save' people. Maybe this is true and maybe it's just something I don't want to think about. Or maybe it's not related at all. Whatever the reason, I felt this desire to be a nurse I felt drawn to it and like I wanted to give everything to it. It's hard though. It's tough. Toughest challenge I've ever opened myself up for. The workload, the pressures, the expectation. It's emotionally, physically and mentally demanding. It's learning so much your head spins (I have a fear of forgetting stuff so I probably spin more than most) but it's amazing to learn, to be educated and have wonderful knowledge shared with you that is going to help other people. And, it breaks you and it rebuilds you. I've already felt broken and stressed at times and I'm only a third of the way through, but the highs outweigh any doubt about doing this. The highs are never temporary but instead they stay with you. And what's important is that with the tough moments, when you despair, to remember that it is completely normal and you are only human and you do have feelings. This course has connected me with feelings. I had asserted within myself the ability to be almost robot like, not let people in past my walls so high and decorated with barbed wire, no one could be close enough to hurt me, nothing could or would make me cry and I did not feel attachment. This course has broken down my barriers, I needed it to.
Personally it is hard for me, being stripped bare of everything that was crucial to other jobs. But it's also refreshing and it's a relief. A lot is to do with your own mind in regard to that kind of stuff, and I'll struggle with that for always. But, this job and this training puts perspective on what is really important in life. I am becoming a better person because of it.
Learning to be a nurse is the most amazing thing I have ever decided to do, and I am thankful I have this opportunity.
-Loola.