I'm not sure if this will continue. I'm not sure if a) its appropriate, b) chronicling my recovery from ED will hinder or help me personally and c) if I'll remember to blog each appointment.
But, this is the diary of a student nurse approaching recovery from an ED. It is probably more an extension of my headspace... but here goes.
This is recovery, and I feel worse than ever.
I had my second part of assessment at a specialised Eating Disorders clinic last week. Blood tests and weighing and lots of talking, talking around in circles, and lots of repeating and going round in the same circles. But, she reckons we can break that, she reckons we can do this. And,there is this ‘we’ that seems to resonate in the conversations, it’s echoed in all her sentences when I tell her how scared I am of this. But this ‘we’, it’s together she says, it’s alongside me and helping me through the hardest days. I’m slowly learning from her that this isn’t going to be me observing my recovery, but it will be me engaging and participating and embracing. I’m by no means ready. The most important thing in my life right now is this, I want to be thin. And, I am sat there terrified by this. She says she can see it, she says she understands. I’m sure she does.
I’m 27 and I feel like a 7 year old scared of the dark, scared of the dentist. Every time she mentions treatment and recovery I feel this sinking feeling thud through my body, and I want her to see me and see how big and heavy I am and see I need help to get thin, but then that is why I am sat here. I’m 27 and I’m sat here because I am battling every single moment of the day with food and weight, I’m here because eating isn’t easy and mirrors hurt. I cannot begin to explain the guilt that consumes me if and when I eat. I starve myself for long periods of time, I use laxatives and I over-exercise, I am completely drained and exhausted by fighting with food.
She’s easy to talk to. I’m finding it easy to be open with her, which is rare – when faced with these situations I tend to create barriers between me and the other person, but then this is her job and she knows how to work me I imagine. She makes me talk and I’m telling her things I never knew I could say out loud. There is a support from her that allows me to be vulnerable and allows me to loosen my grip on control. We talked a lot about treatment and recovery, and she gave me options and choices and I’m going to wait a little while because a) there is a waiting list b) I need some time and space to feel ready and c) I’m totally stalling things. She’s getting to understand me. I arrange it then I cancel it, because I AM PERTRIFIED. But she’s a call me back and reschedule type, so there is no more running away from myself. We did bloods, and there was a lecture about how ‘thin’ my veins are, he took twenty minutes finding one, and then she weighed me. And, I’ve lost 2kg since she last saw me, and I want to celebrate because it’s a loss but I’m disappointed it’s not enough and I’m big and I’m heavy, but she’s there telling me my BMI is now 16 and I’m critically underweight. And that phrase, ‘critically underweight’ made me cringe and tense because can she not see how much I weigh, how much weight is on me? I'm by no measure critically underweight. So, it's going to be a 40-week CBT-ED program, and until that starts it is regular check-in’s with her, to talk, to take bloods and to weigh me.
And so, we talk and talk through these circles that are spiralling around my mind and she talks me in and out of myself and she tells me she knows eating disorders are like funnels and eventually all you have, all you care about and want is this eating problem. I am completely in that place. We discussed inpatient if things don’t get better. But most of all we discussed nursing. We talked about how much I want to be a nurse, how I want to work in an Emergency Department and how I want to be the best at this. And, we fall back on perfectionism and stuff, but I can’t help what drives me, and I do put too much pressure on myself but only because it is important to me. She tells me my BMI needs to be at least 18 minimum, and that I need energy to care for people, I need to eat to be present and to be able to give myself entirely. I understand. And she reiterates that I need to give myself to recovery and I need to want to do it. But, in all honesty, right now this isn’t for me. I am not doing recovery for myself. I’ve been here before, and got better for myself. But this time, I am doing recovery for nursing, because I want to be a nurse more than anything and I understand I need to be OK and I need to be treating this or out of this to be successful. I have my own thoughts on the weight limitations regarding fitness to practice as discussed in my post about being fit to practice. I don't think that a weight should define capability, but I do understand that a desire to be thin is not necessarily always healthy.
I want to be a nurse more than I want the A word and the B word to be part of my life - nobody said that this was going to be easy, but this is so hard.
-Loola. X
But, this is the diary of a student nurse approaching recovery from an ED. It is probably more an extension of my headspace... but here goes.
This is recovery, and I feel worse than ever.
I had my second part of assessment at a specialised Eating Disorders clinic last week. Blood tests and weighing and lots of talking, talking around in circles, and lots of repeating and going round in the same circles. But, she reckons we can break that, she reckons we can do this. And,there is this ‘we’ that seems to resonate in the conversations, it’s echoed in all her sentences when I tell her how scared I am of this. But this ‘we’, it’s together she says, it’s alongside me and helping me through the hardest days. I’m slowly learning from her that this isn’t going to be me observing my recovery, but it will be me engaging and participating and embracing. I’m by no means ready. The most important thing in my life right now is this, I want to be thin. And, I am sat there terrified by this. She says she can see it, she says she understands. I’m sure she does.
I’m 27 and I feel like a 7 year old scared of the dark, scared of the dentist. Every time she mentions treatment and recovery I feel this sinking feeling thud through my body, and I want her to see me and see how big and heavy I am and see I need help to get thin, but then that is why I am sat here. I’m 27 and I’m sat here because I am battling every single moment of the day with food and weight, I’m here because eating isn’t easy and mirrors hurt. I cannot begin to explain the guilt that consumes me if and when I eat. I starve myself for long periods of time, I use laxatives and I over-exercise, I am completely drained and exhausted by fighting with food.
She’s easy to talk to. I’m finding it easy to be open with her, which is rare – when faced with these situations I tend to create barriers between me and the other person, but then this is her job and she knows how to work me I imagine. She makes me talk and I’m telling her things I never knew I could say out loud. There is a support from her that allows me to be vulnerable and allows me to loosen my grip on control. We talked a lot about treatment and recovery, and she gave me options and choices and I’m going to wait a little while because a) there is a waiting list b) I need some time and space to feel ready and c) I’m totally stalling things. She’s getting to understand me. I arrange it then I cancel it, because I AM PERTRIFIED. But she’s a call me back and reschedule type, so there is no more running away from myself. We did bloods, and there was a lecture about how ‘thin’ my veins are, he took twenty minutes finding one, and then she weighed me. And, I’ve lost 2kg since she last saw me, and I want to celebrate because it’s a loss but I’m disappointed it’s not enough and I’m big and I’m heavy, but she’s there telling me my BMI is now 16 and I’m critically underweight. And that phrase, ‘critically underweight’ made me cringe and tense because can she not see how much I weigh, how much weight is on me? I'm by no measure critically underweight. So, it's going to be a 40-week CBT-ED program, and until that starts it is regular check-in’s with her, to talk, to take bloods and to weigh me.
And so, we talk and talk through these circles that are spiralling around my mind and she talks me in and out of myself and she tells me she knows eating disorders are like funnels and eventually all you have, all you care about and want is this eating problem. I am completely in that place. We discussed inpatient if things don’t get better. But most of all we discussed nursing. We talked about how much I want to be a nurse, how I want to work in an Emergency Department and how I want to be the best at this. And, we fall back on perfectionism and stuff, but I can’t help what drives me, and I do put too much pressure on myself but only because it is important to me. She tells me my BMI needs to be at least 18 minimum, and that I need energy to care for people, I need to eat to be present and to be able to give myself entirely. I understand. And she reiterates that I need to give myself to recovery and I need to want to do it. But, in all honesty, right now this isn’t for me. I am not doing recovery for myself. I’ve been here before, and got better for myself. But this time, I am doing recovery for nursing, because I want to be a nurse more than anything and I understand I need to be OK and I need to be treating this or out of this to be successful. I have my own thoughts on the weight limitations regarding fitness to practice as discussed in my post about being fit to practice. I don't think that a weight should define capability, but I do understand that a desire to be thin is not necessarily always healthy.
I want to be a nurse more than I want the A word and the B word to be part of my life - nobody said that this was going to be easy, but this is so hard.
-Loola. X