I'm in a state of flux.
"Your illness is not your fault, but your recovery is your responsibility".
I'm in this weird place of inbetweenness. I really don't know what to do, accept help or keep backing off.
I know I need to stop acting so wounded by this: the only person who can pick me up from this, is me. But, it will need to be done properly. Leaving alone will not be enough, it will need to be gone. It must stay gone, and I will have to train my mind like a dog to not return to this again. But, A lives on the inside, it controls all your thoughts and it isn't easily removed. It isn't entirely about thinness, thats just a symptom that creeps into focus. I tried so hard before, to be better. To forget it, to get better and move on. And, I did it, I reached this point of, 'wow, I'm feeling so much better', but now it's back and I couldn't feel much worse about it right now.
Maybe I didn't fix this properly. Maybe I need someone to help fix it:
"You must find the strength to open the wounds. Stick your hands inside, pull out the core of your pain that is holding you in your past, and make peace with them" - Iyanla Vanzant.
Because no matter how thin you try to get, it is still going to be you underneath it all.
But, it gradually starts to feel like an addiction, you know. This.
"Addictions [...] started out like magical pets. They did extraordinary tricks and showed you things you hadn't seen, were fun. But came, through some gradual dire alchemy, to make decisions for you. Eventually, they were making your most crucial life-decisions. And they were [...] less intelligent than goldfish".
...and, for me the meal is not over when I'm full, but the meal is over when I hate myself. And that hate overrides all else, every.single.time. But, (it could be for one night only) I feel some sort of determination. It comes in waves, and I change my mind about help/ no help almost hourly. With me it is very much intensity, and an inability to sit still. I don't know what grey is, and I never did. I've always been the same, an all or nothing type...
-Loola.